Bachelorette Andi – episode 2 – Male Dance Review

After eating my weight in potato salad this Memorial Day, I then partook in more gluttony with our favorite guilty pleasure: the Bachelorette. Episode 2 of Andi’s season is the first round of dates.

First individual date: “Eric the Explorer”. We already know from last week’s prelude that since filming the show, Eric has tragically passed away from a paragliding accident. Which means I would be a horrible person to say anything bad about him. Luckily, I don’t have anything bad to say. I found him to be cute and likeable and Andi seemed to have both comfort and chemistry with him. Explorer – is that a paying profession? Or does this mean he has a giant trust fund that allows him to do all this world traveling? I don’t know but I’m not going to hold it against him either way. An adventurous thrill-seeker is always hot to me, but I’ve also always known they are out of my league. I would never be enough for a man like that, constantly on the go looking to conquer the next big thing, because I like to chill too much. I can’t snow ski, or mountain climb or wear a bikini. “Explorers” are good at everything, and I am good at almost nothing. Luckily Andi is not me and she looks great in a bikini. However, she does have a pretty awesome career that requires her be there. Could they be a good match? We’ll see. Date grade: A. This date was perfectly geared toward Eric with snowboarding so it was fun instead of awkwardness. They look good together, actually had great conversations and seemed to have chemistry.

Group Date: “Bare our Balls, I mean Souls, Bare our Souls”
Is it just me, or does it seem a little early in the season/relationship to be in such a intimate situation as a public male strip tease and see thirteen of your potential suitors almost naked? I mean sure I see the benefits to it, but I also felt a little embarrassed for them all, and that it was degrading to men. Just as I would have felt a similar event with women on the Bachelor would be extremely degrading. BUT, that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the scenery. For the second time so far this season Andi admits she is extremely attracted to Marcus and picks him for a solo act. I do not disagree! Marcus is not as excited to strut himself as some of the others and seems a little shy, which scores him even higher points in my book. Cody is annoying (this seems right up his alley). Craig is annoying and oddly aware of Josh. Patrick has a butt-chin, which I kind of like, because he reminds me of Austin from Young & Restless, but not quite as cute. I think Bradley the Opera singer should pair up with Charlene from last season. Craig gets drunk and makes a fool of himself, no surprise, but I think Andi is a little over dramatic about it. She gives Marcus the group date rose, which I completely agree with. Did I mention there were firefighter strippers? Yum! It was not horrible. Could you imagine if you were to do this dating challenge in a real life dating pool though? There would be a lot more truffle shuffle and body hair. Qualified to be a stripped must have been one of the boxes to check on the Bachelorette application. And once again the media makes us drool for a type of man none of us could ever get in real life. (because most of them are dating each other)

Date #3 – Country Chris. Chris is the farmer from Iowa. He seems very nice and is good looking, but I just don’t foresee him making it to the top 4, and I don’t see Andi living on a farm in Iowa. The date is to the horse races, with a personal concert afterward. I give the date a grade of C+ because it went fine, but was nothing spectacular. She looks like she is feeling good about the fact that he is a nice guy but I don’t think she is falling in love or lust with him. She does kiss him however, and did I miss her kissing Eric or is this her first? I predict Chris will be friend-zoned.

Rose Ceremony: Andi enters in a fancy low cut gown, Josh’s eyes are on her boobs, Craig’s hand is on Josh’s shoulder. Hmmm. Also, it says Craig is a tax accountant. I know many accountants, none of which are that outgoing or goofy. I’m pretty sure he is lying about his occupation (just kidding). A thought about Tasos…are there really straight men that are wedding planners? If so, why? If not, I’m pretty sure he is lying about his sexuality (just kidding). But not kidding that Brett is on the verge of a mullet, and Nick V. is nice but Nick S. is creepy, so their last initials are very important. Nick V. asks Andi what she is looking for in a man and she says she doesn’t know. WTF? I think women say that only when they know the man that is asking doesn’t fit the profile. Not only should she have made a list for the show, but if she’s like most girls, she’s had a list since 8th grade that has been edited many times over. I agree with Andi tossing Craig & Nick S out, but I would have kept the glasses guy over the Opera guy. Glasses guy was Carl the firefighter who has a slight Ryan Gosling factor going on. Bummed he is gone already. So far my watch list consists of (in no particular order) Brian, Marquel, Eric, Marcus & maybe Dylan (looks wise I’m interested but haven’t seen his personality yet). What are you guys thinking? Until next week…

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The Bachelorette: A new season – Andi episode 1

Hey Bachelor fans and anti-fans, it’s been a long time. Over the last few months I’ve been everywhere BUT on my blog, and I’ve missed it. A new season of the Bachelorette snuck up on us, with the return of Andi Dorfman, Assistant Attorney General from Atlanta – the girl we cheered on last season as she called Juan Pablo out on the carpet for his ridiculous self-centered, chauvinistic ways. Here’s what we like about her:

She’s smart! She’s assertive. She’s accomplished. She’s not a bimbo. She seems like substance over fluff. I’d like to think she’s someone who’d prefer an after work beer with male coworkers or college friends over a trip to the mall. Or at least that is what I am imagining. Her hair is one color this season, and I love that she says “y’all” a lot. There is potential for a great season.

 

Here are my first impressions and observations of episode 1 – the intros.

Andi seems genuinely excited and humble on opening night prior to introductions. No one instantly jumped out at me as my favorite during the 25 introductions. I liked the soccer guy but didn’t even write down his name. The Opera singer is cute but for whatever reason, singing opera is a turn off for me. Cody reminds me of Mackelmore on steroids. JJ creeps me out. I picture him being a ventriloquist. There’s a bartender, you can’t marry a bartender, they sleep around. And as cute as Chris is, I wouldn’t marry a farmer either, their job is their life and they never take a day off. Guys wearing bowties should be sent home on principle alone because I hate bowties!

 

So now that I’ve thrown my judgmental, stereotypical impressions out there, I’ll lay down the positives. Josh, Eric and Ron are good looking. Nick V. is super sweet, has tens siblings, and gets the 1st impression rose. Of course, I can’t tell yet who is going to be great for Andi, but Marquel is who I’d pick for myself. Not only is he hot, but the cookie test tasting – are you kidding me?!? I could totally hang out with this guy. He seems down to earth and fun, so he’s my guy. Andi didn’t eliminate all the bowties, but did send all the surfer looking dudes with long blonde hair on their way. She says the tall, dark and handsome, athletic, cocky-looking Josh M is her typical type. Apparently the blonde surfer look is the opposite of that.

 

Although I am not hugely enthusiastic about the new season yet, it should be interesting to see where it goes. Who am I kidding, it will be exactly same as all seasons: helicopter dates, dancing to a personal concert, someone gets stupid-drunk, drama, someone has a girlfriend, repelling from scary heights, tears, and every episode will be the most DRAMATIC episode ever. Or maybe our producers will realize they’ve been on repeat and mix it up some….Naa, don’t hold your breath.

Bachelorette – D3 – Dodging Balls

Only one more day to the new episode of the Bachelorette and I realize I have not posted my thoughts on last week’s show. It’s been a week so I don’t have anything brilliant or funny to say. Brief rundown:

Week 3 of Desiree’s quest for love included two group dates, one individual date and the unfolding drama of Brian’s girlfriend. The first group date was a dodge ball competition that had the boys in their short shorts. Brooks proved to be a whiney wuss when he broke his finger. Not that a broken finger wouldn’t hurt, it would, but you’d think when surrounded by your competition and the girl you’re trying to woo that you’d play tough and hold back the tears and shake that off a little, at least until the cameras weren’t looking. So yes, he slipped a notch on my list. However, without the headband, he still reminds me of the cute Timothy Olyphant in the movie Catch And Release.
Timothy_Olyphant           bachelorette brooks vneck
Actually I’m noticing a number of the guys seem like whiney girls this season. I’m especially ready for Michael G. to go home. His and Mikey’s ongoing feud with Ben is irritating.

The individual date went to Kasey, but not until unfolding demise of Brian, whose girlfriend Stephanie showed up to “out” him on national television. Des kicks him off the show, no skin off our backs as I don’t even remember this dude. The one negative effect of the dramatic confrontation the house witnesses is it turns Brandon into an emotional wreck. The man is hot without his shirt on, but he’s a hot mess in the emotional department. He’s a sweetheart and after a couple years of therapy and getting himself together he’ll be a great catch, but he’s not ready. Yes a girl likes a man that isn’t afraid to cry, but they have to be able to control it and cry at appropriate times. Add this to his early divulgence of feelings to Des and I assume he will be sent home soon. Kasey and Des’ date went well but not spectacular. I didn’t see sparks flying but they danced on the side of a building without too much fear or drama, then went for a swim and kissed after their date got stormed out. She gave him the rose to keep him around another week.

The second group date was probably my favorite group date of all seasons. Des took a smaller group of five guys to a ranch where they dressed up like cowboys, learned stunts and acted out old western scenes. The guys were hot in their cowboy gear and had a lot of fun with it. Juan Pablo was the funniest rattling off Spanish and kicking dirt on the bad guy in his scene to win the prize of watching a movie with Des. Bryden proved once again why he is my favorite. He’s sweet, cute and doesn’t make a fool of himself. I was afraid Des wouldn’t be that into him because he’s not as aggressive as her but I might be wrong. I think she sees the good in him too. Here’s a surprising thought – I kind of like Zak W. (shirtless guy). I don’t think he is the cutest but I like his personality. I think he’s thoughtful, positive and has a good spirit. I’d keep him around for awhile to find out more.

Good twist: instead of a dress-up reception they have a pool-side party – if I was Bachelorette that would be my choice every week – HELLO, Shirtless!!  Chris, James and Kasey start out with roses; Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Brooks, Drew, Zack K, Brad, Michael G, Mike & Ben get roses. We say good-bye to Dan and Brandon. I’d like to see more of Drew next week. I think it is still an open race for Des’s heart. And boy she is not shy about kissing them all.

Bachelorette -D2 – The Right Reasons Rappers

Why has it taken me all week to get up my weekly reflection on the Bachelorette? Well I was hoping the negative reaction I was having to Monday’s show could be blamed on a grumpy mood and lack of sleep. However, after giving it a couple of days and watching the show again, my feelings didn’t change. So here it goes. Before this season started I really liked Desiree. My opinion of her was that she was genuine, likeable, intelligent, athletic, fun, strong, and emotionally level-headed. But for some reason, all of episode 2, she seems really fake to me. I have the feeling that she is really caught up in the excitement of the show, LA, the fancy cars, mansions and over-the-top dates. Who can blame her? That stuff is exciting and overwhelming for those of us who are less fortunate and I can only imagine between the lifestyle and the hot guys hanging on your every word that you would feel like a kid on Christmas morning. And so maybe the fakey vibe I’m getting is just her excitement being more about the experience than the men?? I don’t know. I just felt she was using her kindergarten teacher voice on the dates and it felt fake and a little forced. Or maybe it’s just me being a tired, grumpy, cynic.  Also I don’t like it when they fake surprise – the men don’t know what is going to happen on the date but the Bachelorette does and I think the faking ignorance is irritating – like me acting surprised when my kids tell me they got two dollars from the Tooth Fairy. Necessary for seven-year olds, not for grown men.

 The 1st one-on-one date of the season went to Brooks, Mr. Wavy hair & smile. He is very nice to look at, and proved to be a fun date. Con #1: the already over-done bridal salon date. Let’s take two people who have barely met and force them to dress as if they are getting married tonight, nothing awkward about that. Bachelor producers, please! Can we take this theme out of the rotation now? Just like with American Idol using the same theme nights after 12 seasons, I am equally bored of the Bachelor Franchise using the same date ideas every season. The wedding photos, the dinner in a closed off public location (this case middle of a bridge), and most staged of all dancing to a private concert.  But date choice is not Brook’s fault and he does well yakking it up in a bright green leprechaun suit, which is Pro #1: silly side. Con #2: they hiked to the Hollywood sign in a freaking wedding gown and tux. Yeah, that screams reality. Pro #2: conversation went well. Pro #3: Did I mention how good-looking Brooks is? Con #3: My cynic side is annoyed when Brooks talks about his feels. I have a hard time believing that it is real too. Probably more to do with being married to a man who NEVER talks about his feelings for twelve years than actually to do with Brooks. Good thing I’m not in the dating world because I’d probably never again believe a word out of a man’s mouth. I’ve already seen the wizard behind the curtain.

Group Date: Rapping “Right Reasons” under direction of actual rapper Soulja Boy. The worst white boy rhymes ever, and easily the most humiliating date of all time. I’m glad they had fun with it but if I was the Bachelorette I wouldn’t even want to put them through that. And WTH, the only black guy can’t dance? Bummer. I would have really liked to see more of Will. They drew a few comparisons of this seasons men to some of the seasons past and I couldn’t help but think of “Guard & Protect Your Heart” Kasey every time I saw Brandon after that. If he ends up leaving soon, it will be because of that comparison. Please don’t be that guy. James was a constant comic relief (or pain in the ass heckler depending on how you look at it). Side note: I wonder how bad the bachelor pad house smells. I mean just because these are all well manscaped, waxed men doesn’t mean they aren’t still farting, pooping, stinking men like the ones we’re married too. Just less hair on the bathroom floor.

 2nd One-on-One Date – Road trip with Bryden. Pro# 1: Now this date I liked! This is totally what I would have enjoyed and a great way to get to know someone and not just have it be about the glitz. Pro #2: Bryden was sweet and the right amount of shy and fun. I’m sticking with my first impression of liking him. I liked that he admitted that he wasn’t ready for a relationship before and used the military as an excuse not to have one, now he’s ready. I felt it was pretty genuine. I cannot tell if Des is into him or just thinks he’s nice and is telling all the guys how much fun she’s having. Con 31: During their end of night dip in the pool, Des tries easing the awkward tension of Bryden’s nervous stalling before their first kiss by saying “just kiss me already” I go back and forth between thinking it was cute, and being turned off by it. I just felt like he’s a shy traditional guy and being that aggressive could have turned him off or made me felt emasculated. I’ve learned through personal experience that sometimes guys don’t want those moments taken away from them, they want to feel that they’re in charge. And I just felt like that was not really the sweet first kiss moment you want to look back on. There was obviously an uncomfortable lull in the conversation before she said that, but, I don’t know just didn’t feel right to me. I really like Bryden, but I have a feeling she is going to end up being too forward and aggressive for him, or him to reserved for her, however you want to look at it. Also she seems very ready to kiss all the guys. Nothing wrong with that necessarily, just none of them have felt special yet.

 Reception night:  Pro #1: Zak W. (aka shirtless guy) surprised Des with an antique journal with a message from a father to his daughter written on the inside cover. I actually really thought that was a thoughtful and special gift. I would have been impressed and I think she was too. She may not be into him romantically but that was a very good effort and showed some depth on his side. Con #1: Boy drama – oh brother – this is the whiniest bunch of boys we’ve had on here to date. I don’t think Ben was as bad as the previews made him look. Yes they all feel competitive with him because they can tell he’s “in the lead” but he doesn’t seem intentional about it like Bentley or Tierra. When approached by the other guys about his rude ‘cutting-in’ I thought he handled himself like a gentleman. The nice-guy thing would be not to interrupt people when you already have a rose, but at least afterwards he wasn’t all “I’m not here to be your friend” “I’ll do what I want”. He was still respectful in word, even if not in action. So I will wait and see what happens before I decide if he is the evil one to hate this season or if the other guys are just jealous. Con #2: Michael needs to learn how to tell a story faster anyway. I mean why do they always have to start a story out with “well it all started with a phone call…(add drama & suspense) instead of just saying …”I have diabetes.” Come on, make a long story short people you know you could be interrupted at any second, and whoops you were. Pro #2: I LOVE Desiree’s green gown, so beautiful.  Pro/Con?: Brandon shares his story of a tough childhood with Des and she appreciates it but is she into him? I can see him possibly getting labeled as the “too emotional/insecure one”.

At the Rose Ceremony Des sends home Will (No!), Nick (No!) and Robert (aka Caterpillar-brow). I thought Will and Nick were two of the hotter guys and certainly would have kept them around longer. Disappointed in that decision. This week my top picks are Bryden, Brooks, and Juan Pablo. Ben & Brandon are now questionable. What are your thoughts? Anyone else feel as irritable about it as I did?

Let the Fantasy Begin! Premier of The Bachelorette Season 9 – Desiree Hartsock

ImageWelcome back to another season of The Bachelorette. First of all I’ll remind you that Desiree (Des) was my early favorite from last season’s Bachelor, so I am super happy she’s our Bachelorette. Second reminder, this is not a recap of what happened but rather my comments/opinions on what happened. Pretend you’re on the leather sectional next to me, snuggled in my favorite soft blankie and we’re fast forwarding through commercials together making fun of what we see. If you haven’t already seen episode 1, you can view it here – http://www.hulu.com/#!watch/493783. Third, I did something tonight that I’ve never done before – I let my boys watch the first hour of the show with me. Previously I’ve always waited until they went to bed to watch the show because this “reality show” is anything but realistic and I don’t want my boys growing up thinking it is acceptable to date multiple women at once. But, I might just let them watch the show with me for Blog-sake if nothing else because they made it hilarious! When the guys were making fun of the dude in the Knight’s armor and someone said “Don’t go near the water, you’re probably not going to float.” My kids laughed like it was the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. I told them the men each got to introduce themselves to the lady and they sometimes tried to do something memorable or silly but sometimes it came off as dorky and I felt embarrassed for them. So God love him my 10-year-old kept asking, “was that a dorky intro mom?” “I think that one went pretty well, right?”  But then of course he said the dreaded, “When I’m a grown up maybe I’ll go on the Bachelor to find a girl.” To which I said, “Well you better keep those abs of steel then because no matter what Daddy says women don’t find fat guts attractive and the show only lets on successful muscular guys. Oops, bad mom moment – years from now we’ll look back on this moment as where the body image damage began so never mind, probably shouldn’t let them watch any more.

 As usual the show starts off with a background on Des, who I think it’s fair to say is super likeable. America loves her because she is from a humble background and is not whiney or pageantry. At the beginning of the show I was thinking, “I can’t believe there are still this many good looking men willing to come on this show”. Then we saw the intros and well, it is obvious that they are getting less applicants each year, as the pool of twenty-five has progressively fallen from all solid tens to more of a bell curve. Of course I said that last season on Emily’s first night too and then ended up thinking a number of them were good looking, so here’s hoping I’m wrong and that getting to know their personalities (or seeing them out of those suits) will change my mind.

 I immediately liked Bryden, the army soldier from Montana back from Iraq. He’s the kind of laid-back manly country boy that I’m attracted to and seems sweet. I also liked Brandon and Drew from their back story clips. If they get together, Drew’s mentally-handicapped sister should have lots in common with Des’s brother. (what, too mean? You’re right I’m sure Drew’s sister is too nice for him.)

 Most awkward introductions:

1. Doctor Larry’s attempt at a little dancing dip that ends in Des’s dress being torn. He did feel bad and I think he was probably a good guy but just wasn’t able to recover from that.

2. Jonathon’s fantasy suite invite. This could have been a good idea if it had said you can forgo the other twenty-four men and ride off in the sunset with me right now or something sweeter than a suggestion to hook-up in a fantasy suite.

3. Knight Diogo. Oiye! The Knight in shining armor idea was fantastic actually and would have been amazing if A.) the guy could move and walk in it properly and not look like a fool about to fall over. B.) Was drop dead gorgeous when he removed his helmet (which was not the case here, maybe he should have kept the helmet on like the mask guy) and C.) had said, “your Knight in Shining Armor has arrived my Lady…” Even my 10-year-old picked up on this and went from excited to shaking his head in 2.5 seconds.

 Best introductions:

1. Ben using adorable son Brody to melt Des’s heart.  (Damn you Bachelor producers for showing us previews of Ben later turning out to be a bad guy so now I’m doubting if this is even his kid or did he hire/borrow one for the night?)

2. Was it Chris that did the tying the shoe joke? That was pretty cute.

 Other notable comments:  Kasey – OMG is he going to talk in #Hashtags the whole time? It’s not funny when Mariah Carey does it on Idol and it’s not funny now. A magician! OK the rose out of his sleeve was pretty cute idea but then he should have dropped the magic acts after that. That is only cute if you’re under twelve, and constantly reminding her of your dorky hobby/profession is not helping. Might as well pull out some Star Trek action figures and ask her to play. FYI, Robert will here-on-out be referred to as ‘Caterpillar-brows’. And I am not sure what all Juan Pablo said when meeting Des (noisy kids in the room remember) but it was obvious she was uncomfortable and was hurrying him along.

 My son’s favorites of the night were: Zak W (shirtless guy), Will (Yoga guy), Chris (Mortgage Broker from OR) and Brandon (because he was coping me). Then I hurried the kids off to bed before hour 2 of show started.

My current top picks based on first night impressions:  Brandon (Painting Contactor from MN), Ben (Entrepreneur from TX), Will (Banker from WA), Drew (Digital Marketing Analyst from AZ), and lastly Michael G (Federal Prosecutor from NY) and Dan (Beverage Sales Director from CA) who we didn’t hear much from so I am basing these two solely on looks.

 Every season there is a guy or two that we like in some way but we know he’s either not marriage material or not a good fit for our girl and won’t make it to the end of the show. So I’m going to start giving honorable mention awards to these guys who do it for us in one way or another. The Hot, Panty Dropper Award goes to Juan Pablo (former Pro Soccer Player from Venezuela). Hmm maybe I should add him to my list above. The Most Fun/Adventurous/Obnoxious Award goes to Zak W. (aka Shirtless Guy). Was it just me or did he look like he was flexing the whole time? That had to be tiring.

 There’s almost always a first night embarrassing kick to the curb (usually for someone who drinks too much) and tonight that honor went to Jonathon (aka Fantasy Suite guy) for being oblivious to the ‘No Way In Hell’ vibe Des was putting off, continuing to creep her out until she sent him packing mid-party. Way to stand your ground Des! The other tickets home went to Nick R (Magician – need we say more?), Larry (Dr. dress-ripper), Micah (whose attempt at designing his own outfit was a major fail) and Diogo (sad boy in Knight’s costume).  The previews for the season to come promise loads of shit, I mean drama, as usual. But here’s the thing – it irritates me when they show too much of what is going to go down because then you don’t even get to learn it along the way you already know who is going to turn out to have a girlfriend and be a lying sleeze who just wants to be famous. And what is up with sites already listing spoilers for the whole season? I refuse to read them! And if someone tweets me the winner’s name I’m going to blow a gasket. I hate SPOILERS for shows like this. I don’t want to know the last page of the book or there’s no point in reading it. I don’t want to know who they pick in the end of there is absolutely no point to me watching the whole season. Don’t tell me. Laalaalaalaalaalaa (ears covered).

What were your first impressions?

Bachelor S17 week 5: Double the Drama

Episode 5: part 1 started off Bachelor Sean’s worldwide journey. First stop: Gorgeous (but not exotic, these are the kinds of places I actually visit) Montana. I hate to break it to Sean, but this group of girls is way too fancy for camping & outdoorsy mountain stuff. When will outdoorsy men realize that beautiful high-maintenance women do not equate to shared hobbies. They fulfill your boob hobby, not your mountain man hobby. You want a girl that is going to bait her own hook and rock your world in a tent? Then pick the girl that wears hiking boots instead of high-heels and only wears makeup on special occasions.

 1st Date – Lindsay – “Let Love Soar” I am relieved to see that Lindsay is dressed appropriately for Montana: jeans, flannel shirt, boots. Any girl that sports stilettos & mini skirts during the day in this town should be dragged through the streets ankle tied to a horse. So here’s the deal with Lindsay: the first night when she showed up in a wedding dress I was like “NO WAY” then once she proceeded to get drunk and make a fool of herself I was like “Double No Way!”. But you know what… she is actually a strong possibility. They look really natural together, and Sean sure seems to like kissing her.

 Side note: It dawned on me that I don’t like wrist tattoos. No matter how frilly or sentimental it might be, they all look like gang tatts or prison ID’s to me. Same for the neck, but those are even worse. And I’m not against tattoos in general – just those locations.

 Group Date: “Eight Maids a Milking” The Montana group date was a relay race involving canoeing, log sawing, hay baling, and goat milking. Of course a real Montana date would involve a juicy steak and chugging beer rather than goat’s milk. So the losing team went back to the lodge while the winning team got the rest of the evening with Sean….erch! (that’s my put on the brakes sound) Or not, Sean called the other girls to come back out too as he just didn’t feel right cheating them out of the extra time together. Really? What it means to me is there was someone on the losing team that he wanted more time with and was super bummed when he didn’t get it so he changed the rule. The winning girls were understandably upset. And when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry! Ha, I like this little spitfire. Meanwhile Tierra (who is not part of the group date) continued to scheme & plot to steal her man by showing up uninvited. I really wanted her plan to backfire, for Sean to be turned off by her over-aggressive ways, but alas, as in most previous seasons our Bachelor has lost all common sense & good judgment. It must have something to do with the extended time period of excessive blood flow away from the brain to the penis — like standing on your head for four weeks. And OMG all I can think about after watching him kiss the 4th or 5th woman that night was COLD SORES! The girls might as well just cut out the middle man and kiss each other. Yuck. And so another seemingly traditional nice guy fell victim to the Bachelor curse. I’m sorry but apparently no man can be surrounded by 10-20 beautiful women that all want him and are fighting over him and it NOT go to his head. Their ego’s get so big, their personality changes, they forget what they originally wanted. (most prevalent cases: Bachelors Jake & Ben who we started off loving and would now probably kick in the balls if we saw them on the street.)

Another thought: does anyone else think Tierra’s story about the boyfriend who died is a complete bullshit story she made up on the way over there? When Emily Maynard had a sad love story they focused on it all season. This is the first we heard of Tierra’s lost love. She’s pulling out all the stops.

 I’m also super surprised that Daniella got the rose – but then again he has a history of giving it to the insecure one. I knew at this point that Robyn is going home. But I was sad that he sent Jackie home after the awkward 2-on-1 date. Jackie is beautiful and sweet. Tierra is a needy and manipulative drama queen.  “No, Sean, Tierra is not sweet, you naive doofus!!! You even said yourself that she was drama. You need to stop thinking with the little head and make your Momma proud.” Is one of many things I was yelling at the TV. Every man that even thinks about going on this show should be forced to watch footage from previous seasons of the maniacal one that everybody hates that will dump your ass after she’s won. The Vienna, Courtney & Tierra footage. Here’s a clue, if everyone hates them, there is probably a good reason, listen up and pay attention you fuck heads.

 Side note: Sarah’s eye makeup at the reception/rose ceremony was gorgeous!

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 Episode 5: Part 2 — Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies

 First date was with Catherine (at last) where they played in the snow and I was making dinner so I really didn’t pay much attention to their conversation which seemed to be going well.

 The group date was the polar bear plunge into the glacier fed crystal blue lake – and probably the worst idea in Bachelor history – no wait, 2nd worst after the boxing fiasco that sent Ames to the doctor with a concussion (Ashley’s Season 7 of Bachelorette). Selma once again proved she’s the wisest girl there by refusing to go in the frigid waters. The other girls got their bikinis on (once again, why is this a requirement?) and ran into the barely above freezing water, had to get their heads wet, then ran back out strait for their robes. Except our favorite girl Tierra, who if you watch closely refuses the towel, shrugging people off as they try to wrap her for warmth. Gee, Tierra, I cannot imagine why you are so cold and spazzing out. Maybe she was hoping to use the “let’s get naked and snuggle for body heat” line. But the stupid B is carried off with hypothermia (as planned I’m sure). She was the only one. Really Sean, really? You want a lifetime of fake falls, fake illnesses, fake pregnancies and attention getting schemes? I can’t stand those soap opera kind of girls. Tierra seems even more pushy when she showed up for the group date even after Sean told her to stay in bed and recoup. Red flag warning #47 Sean: She will never do what you ask of her, she’ll always do her own thing to get her own way.

 The sad part of the night was when after Emily gets a little too real for Sean, he decided to let her go then instead of waiting for the rose ceremony. She showed him family and childhood photos (sharing a part of herself, hey you want to get to know me too right?) and it made him realize that she wanted a relationship with him whereas he was happy in friendzville. On one hand I respect the fact that he didn’t make her stress through the reception and rose ceremony, but on the other hand, it singled her out as like
“WOW, I knew you weren’t the one and had to get you the freck out of there.” Which would make a girl feel way worse than “I have to send two people home, uh, I guess it will be you and you.”

 Ok I have a great idea! Let’s have Sarah and Emily O’Brien, from Ben’s season, join together to have their own show. It could be reality or scripted either one, but would be those two as roommates trying to find love in the world, while building their careers and staying true to themselves and their morals. That’s a show I’d watch.

 Now that I see more of Sean with the different girls I think Lindsay, Catherine, Leslie and Des are best for him. I think Selma is too mature for him and Ashlee is too uptight for him. Now that he’s in it, he seems to want a playful adventurous girl more than the best wife type. Was not too surprised when he sent Daniella and Selma home. So, how are you feeling after this week’s two nights of episodes? I am irritated with Sean and with this show, as you can probably tell. Every season I’m like “why do I watch this shit?”, “If he picks her I’m boycotting this show”, and yet each season I tune in again. I am just as much a fool as the other millions of you BachelorNation fans. I guess it is the new soap opera of this generation.

Bachelor Ep 4: Let’s Get Physical

Time to discuss this week’s Bachelor, episode 4. (spoiler alert)  You know what? I cannot even make fun of the girls who cry when they don’t get picked for a one-on-one date, because I know if I was there I probably would too. Nobody likes being picked last.

So the 1st Date of the night is with Selma…. I really like her by the way. Jeeping & climbing in Joshua Tree National Park in the desert heat and dirt. That is my kind of date. But definitely not Selma’s kind of date.  She confesses she is not an outdoorsy girl at all. Thank you! I love when people just admit what they are instead of when every girl always says “I’m a tomboy” (as they polish their acrylic nails). I loved when she said, “I feel puffy” talking about the heat. LOL. Ok, but Sean…pink shorts, really? REALLY? They looked gay. I did like how he called her pint sized and said if she couldn’t climb up he’d just strap on her his back. Yeah, there’s my tough man!

So I noticed how Sean was conveniently below her with a great view of her ass the whole time…and I can’t help but think in my twisted mind…wouldn’t it be hilarious if she accidentally farted? You know how if you’re not careful when you’re doing yoga one might slip. Well she was having to strain pretty hard to climb up that rock cliff. Just saying. Selma seemed to whine a little about it in the beginning but I ended up being impressed she did it by the end. It looked like they didn’t even have those spike/handle thingies to grab on to but were actually climbing all natural, old school (except safety rope of course). That would be hard.

 Group Date: Roller Derby! Although this is an awesome idea that I’d be up for, it is also a pretty dangerous one that ended in many injuries.  Dangerous especially when you consider half the girls already want to knock the others on their asses. This will be just the outlet to do so. Has anyone else noticed how most of the dates so far this season have involved gym clothes? When the girls all left the house they looked like they were on their way to yoga class and I was thinking only skinny twig bitches like them could pull off those leggings. Anyway, Ashlee has another honest moment I enjoy too: “I’m your typical girlie girl. I don’t do anything adventurous.” Robyn, god bless her, cannot stay vertical on skates to save her life. And poor sweet Sarah tried so hard, but I totally get how it would be hard to balance with the one arm. And personally I wouldn’t think there would be anything wrong with saying all chill-lax like, “you know what, I think I’m gonna sit this one out.” And sit on the bench and laugh at the others. I have two arms and I would still probably do that. If anyone would have forced her to do it, they would have looked like the A-hole, so it’s a win, win.

2nd Date: Leslie – she gets the expensive clothing & jewelry romantic pretty woman date. However according to Sean there is no romance felt, he cut the date short and sent her home. Man, all dressed up then rejected. That had to have stung. If I was her, I’d have taken my beautiful fancy-ass strait out on the town to pick up another hottie while I was looking that good. I didn’t know much about Leslie from before this date. But she handled herself well, seemed like a solid person and I liked her. But I totally understand if it’s not there, it’s not there. I still would have kept her over some of the other beyotches though just because I like to surround myself with good people.

 Reception/Rose Ceremony:

1.      Thought I had: Have Jackie or Catherine either one even had a conversation with Sean yet? If so, it has not been televised. And they are two that I really liked. We need to see more of them.  Then a bit later in the show, part of that is answered when Sean & Catherine sneak away for some conversation and smoochie smoochie and it sounds like they’ve had plenty of lighthearted chatter before. We just never saw it. And still haven’t seen anything of Jackie with him. She is SO PRETTY!

2.       Amanda may be a little odd, but I loved her flapper style dress tonight.

3.      Tierra’s apology to Jackie & Robyn was fake as hell, but I was thankful that her tone was at least polite and respectful like a grown up so things could get smoothed over, even if only on the surface, rather than escalate into a giant dress tearing catfight. (Now that would have been good ratings.)

4.      Tierra is a Courtney Jr.  It’s all about the “winning”.

5.      My guesses were that Daniella (snarl face) or Amanda were going home tonight. I was half right as here’s who all got roses:

Selma, Tierra, Catherine, Desiree (Des), Lindsay, Lesley (now down to 1), Robyn, Ashlee, Sarah, Jackie, Daniella.

 So, what are you thinking? Fire away!

The Bachelor Ep 3: Lip-Locks, Rollercoasters & Concussions

Welcome back to The Bachelor Season 17, episode 3, where your BMI (Body Mass Index) is more important than you Emotional Intelligence. After an incident with my DVR, I later had to check out this week’s episode on Hulu and wasn’t able to pay as close attention as I normally do. So I might have missed some things. Just a few comments:  (contains spoilers)

1.      First Individual Date – Leslie M.  They had good chemistry when they kissed on last week’s group date, which is why I think he picked her for this date: to break the Guinness World Record for longest on-air kiss. I hope she rinsed with Scope before she left the house. The other girls are going to be so jealous when they see this. The two have to lip lock for more than 3 minutes 15 seconds. Which I think sounds like a piece of cake. I could totally kiss someone that long; until I found out that their lips cannot separate at all. Yikes! So no head turning lip sucking, tongue thrashing soap opera kisses, just plain old lip to lip then don’t move while a crowd of people cheered them on? That would make it so hard not to laugh. But they managed and broke the record. If he marries her it will be a cute story to tell their kids. If he marries someone else on the show… awkward.

2.      Twelve girls on the group date, which was beach volleyball. Athletics, bikinis & competition – that is my worst nightmare; all that’s missing are snakes. Seriously is there a weight restriction on this show? If you are above a size 6 and don’t have a bikini-ready-body you’re denied? I mean sure that is what a hot guy like Sean would prefer – model bodies – but in real life if he was just meeting people at work or a friend’s house or whatever, he might find himself attracted to a fun, smart size 10 with a great smile. It could happen. But never on this show.

3.      Something you should never say to someone on your 2nd conversation: “If we were to get married…”

4.      Oh Kacie, Kacie, Kacie. Cute as a button, sweet as can be, but bad bad decision to try to manipulate the other girls’ arguing to your own benefit. Especially when nothing really happened. Tension does not a catastrophe make. If you’re not directly involved in the fighting, stay out of the fighting. Guys do not want to hear about that girl drama shit. And the way she brought it up didn’t even really involve him; she wasn’t saying ‘this girl isn’t here for the right reasons watch out’. Maybe because they were friends from before the show she felt more comfortable approaching him with topics that other girls wouldn’t. But Tsk, Tsk. Knew at that point that move was sending her home. His face and his tone said it all.

5.      Second Individual Date – Ashley. Of course Tierra stole her day from the moment she ruined the reading of the date card to “falling” down the stairs stealing Sean’s attention and delaying his date. (By the way, we never actually saw her fall down the stairs, just heard noise then saw her laying there. Even I used to fake throw myself down the stairs when I was 14 to try to freak my parents out.) I liked the concept behind their date: having a Six-Flags Amusement Park to themselves, and sharing it with two girls from a make-a-wish type foundation. Could you imagine though if you drove all the way from Kansas or somewhere with screaming kids in the back seat to go to Six-Flags and it’s closed for the freaking Bachelor? Ugh, Griswold all over again. Anyway, I think Ashley did really well with the surprise of having two teenage girls on their date. If it was me I would have been a little disappointed at first about not being alone on the first date, but then gotten into it. So I was glad they got more intimate conversation time toward the end. At first I didn’t see Ashley making it all the way, maybe like #6, but Sean seemed impressed and she is a total sweetheart so I guess we’ll see. Or will she get the ‘too-nice’ or ‘too-serious’ title?

6.      Tierra: “I wasn’t finished with him.” Rarr. Hiss.

7.      I’m disappointed Jackie hasn’t gotten any face time. I want to see more of her.

8.      If I was the Bachelorette (which of course I could never be) I wouldn’t allow people to interrupt my 3 minute long conversations. I’d be like you each get ten minutes with no interruptions. I will come get you when it’s your turn. Till then sit down, play your Xbox, and don’t be rude. Then they’d be like damn she is a bossy bitch and the insecure ones would leave.

9.      Rose ceremony – he sent home the model Kristie (Yes!!), Kacie, and Taryn. He still has a couple girls that we haven’t seen a thing on yet. Come on editors, share the love.

So what did you think? Any guesses as to who will end up in top 3? I’m guessing Desiree, Leslie M, and maybe Sarah…. not sure yet.

Bachelor: Episode 2 – The Bold & the Beautiful, the Scary & the Hairy!

Well it’s Thursday already and I’m just now gabbing on Monday’s Bachelor. What a slacker right? It’s been a busy week and I didn’t want to stay up until midnight again to get it done. But I have time now to look back on this week’s episode 2 of The Bachelor Sean. This week they begin the dates and we’ll start getting to know the girls better to see if our first impressions from opening night were right.

Free Falling: The first individual date goes to Sarah (blonde, 26, Ad Exec from CO) and I am glad. She is super sweet, smart and pretty. They have an adventure date consisting of helicopter ride to a skyscraper where they harness up, then plummet to their deaths 35 floors below. Ok, they didn’t die. They were strapped in. But really what is the point of that? It’s not climbing or repelling. It’s not skydiving where you get to glide through the air and feel like you’re flying. It is strait down, 30 seconds, scream and pee your pants. Who thinks that sounds fun? Maybe I’m just old…fashioned. Old-fashioned. The good thing about the date is Sarah gets to prove how adventurous she is and that she can do anything despite having only one arm. Well I think of it as one-and-a-half arms, but she says one, so we’ll go with it. Sean doesn’t seem to have any hesitations about her one arm and even runs his hand up & down “halvsie” like he would anyone else. Bonus Points! They are sweet together and actually have a real conversation over dinner. I think they’d make a good couple. She has a good heart and is not snobby or conceited like so many others.

Group Romance: The group date consists of thirteen girls and Sean doing a cover-shoot for Romance Novels. I like this much better than the ‘acting’ shoots they so often do, and being a lover of books, it is right up my alley. Guess who else is excited? Model Kristie who can’t shut up about how amazing this is, how this is her thing, and how she’s going to win the price (a contract to be on the cover). I’m pretty sure she didn’t mention Sean once. Nope, pretty sure it was “contract, contract, model, opportunity, contract, win, win”. And although she does end up winning 1st place, the ‘heat’ that got them there was pure acting. There was no chemistry between the two until she flipped on the switch, then it was quite the scene. There did however seem to be some real chemistry between Sean and Lesley (blonde, 25, Political Consultant, AR/DC). She does have some amazing abs, and their cover which ended up making the top 4, looks the most real and at ease, as did his body language with her.

Here are some further observations on the girls throughout the show:

  •  Put Katie (27, Yoga Instructor, IL) in all black and she is Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter. Totally! Actually I notice there are a lot of girls with bad hair tonight. It must be the humidity. Every time I’ve been in California my hair goes strait limp and won’t do anything. Katie’s so sick of her frizz hair she leaves on her own. Well, ok, she didn’t say that was the reason, she just wasn’t comfortable in that dynamic and wanted to leave. I agree. I wouldn’t last a week there.
  • The girl that says “I’m not here to make friends” is always the bitch everyone hates. I don’t think people need to be fake and make fake friends, but I think they should go there planning to be as civil to each other as possible to get through it. And if they meet some people they like along the way and want to stay friends, cool. But keep your bitchiness on the inside like the rest of us; you don’t need to declare it right off the bat. You just end up shooting yourself in the foot. One exception: Courtney who won even though the whole world hated her.
  • 2nd Impressions on a few ladies: I like Selma (brunette, 29, Real Estate Developer, CA) -Beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated, worldly. Jackie is really pretty (reddish hair, 25, Cosmetics Consultant, FL). I like Robyn (24, Oilfield Account Manager, TX) more than I did the first night. She’s smart, strong and I love how she comes right out and asks Sean how he feels about women of different nationalities/colors. He had the perfect answer too – that it doesn’t matter – he likes the person for the person and has dated all kinds of women. Way to go Robyn!
  • Lindsay, who was the Bride of Drunkzilla last week, stays sober, acts normal and turns around Sean’s opinion of her. He is pleasantly surprised. My jury is cautiously optimistic.
  • Tierra (brunette, 24, Leasing Consultant, NV) reminds me of Kate Hudson for some reason. Like one of her meaner characters. Maybe it’s the eyebrows? The jawline, or the smile? And she’s one of two that says they are not on there to make friends. She of course spends the group date pouting that she doesn’t have him all to herself.
  • Kacie & Sean discuss the “friend zone” they were in before the show and he says he is willing to let her out of the friend zone and see what happens. Yay! We like her.
  • What is up with Amanda and her split personality disorder? Complete silence is a new approach we’ve not seen on the show before.

Punked: The second individual date is with Desiree, my fave, (brunette, 26, bridal stylist, CO). Sean wants to see if she has a good since of humor and can roll with the punches so he takes her to an art studio where they have set up a prank with actors. A priceless work of art will fall over and break when she’s the only one in the room. She passed the test. Then they go to his pad for dinner and a dip. These two seem perfect together and even Sean says Desiree has everything he is looking for in a best friend and wife. Alright ladies, the rest of you can go home. I think we found our love connection.

Three out of four of my favorites start the ceremony with a rose already and all my favorites make it through another week. What were your thoughts? Previews look like the girl drama is about to hit the fan. See you next week to poke fun at it.

Bachelor 17 Begins – Shirtless Sean On A Rose Marathon

The Bachelor Season 17: Sean Lowe – Episode 1

Season 17 brings Emily’s #3 hottie nice guy and fan favorite Sean Lowe back to us. A couple of thoughts to start off the season. First of all, seventeen seasons! Really? We are still getting caught up in these fake romances and bull crap drama after ten years and 88% fail rate?  Well even intelligent women can’t pass up a good train wreck, present company included obviously. Secondly, can I just say how disappointed I am in the final outcome of Emily & Jef’s engagement, which ended after only a couple of months. I kept telling her to pick Arie. But oh no, she didn’t listen. Would her and Arie still be together? We’ll never know. Why did Emily & Jef break up anyway? I’m guessing either it was because his huge mormon family weirded her out (which she should have known ahead of time) or perhaps Emily is just not good at relationships. This is the 2nd Bachelor Franchise engagement of hers that has ended. I feel bad saying that because I do like her, but hey, we all have our issues. Maybe she’s not as perfect as she appears. No one is.

Moving on to tonight’s season premiere. I don’t give a play by play summary of the show, there are a million blogs out there that do a better job at that. I only give my smart ass comments and opinion of the show because… well that is all I am good at. The intro scenes of the Bachelor preparing for his journey have become cheesy and gratuitous. Close ups of the man doing bicep curls; come on! It almost embarrasses me that I enjoy that. Plus it contradicts his image as the most sincere bachelor ever to be flaunting his stuff. But I will say no one could possibly ever look as good in that bright green color as Sean did when he was wearing that green T-shirt on the beach. One segment you know I enjoyed was when fellow Emily-dumpee Arie dropped by for some guy talk and last-minute advice. Only guys could compete for the same woman and be friends afterwards. Women could never do that. We’d scratch each other’s eyes out. Arie! Ah! I don’t know why I like him so much, I just do. It’s totally cute how Arie has Sean practice break up lines and gives him crap, even a kissing lesson. He could give me a kissing lesson anytime, complete with hands on lab. Sean says, “He had a lot of good advice for me. I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to use any of it.”

The show plays some clips on some of the women we are about to meet and my first impression from those is that Desiree will be my favorite. Tierra is cute but I am not sure if I am going to like her personality. Sarah, beautiful blonde from California = I will admit my first impression when she first started talking was that she was one of those attention stealing gorgeous blondes that was going on the show to get famous, then a couple of seconds into it she starts sounding nicer, then the story comes out that she was born with only one arm and for whatever shallow reasons she goes from bitch to “totally love her” in 2.5 seconds. Leslie M. from DC but originally Arkansas has no trace of a Southern accent. Kristy the model = can you say Courtney part 2. There’s Ashlee F. who was adopted = I really like her tender heart (and her dress). Robyn=too dorky. Ashley P. = Ugh Pah-lease! She’s going to drive me crazy. Then its time for Sean to meet the women in person and my most dreaded part of every season: the embarrassing first introductions where contestants do stupid shit to try to make themselves stand out. Which is where at least half a dozen will make complete asses of themselves. As Sean is standing there in front of the mansion waiting for the first Limo door to open he closes his eyes for a minute and you can practically hear his prayer “Please God, don’t let them be freaks.”

Jackie seemed sweet, Selma was beautiful, Tayrn is promising, Catherine is gorgeous, Paige will be gone asap, Ashley H.’s face doesn’t move, Lindsay is desperate. Did you see Sean’s face when he saw Kelly? I swear his face lit up! I think he likes her and they would look cute together. I wasn’t sure before about Tierra but Sean is right that she did have a great energy and I thought it was great he went and got a rose for her immediately. I mean talk about first impression rose, there it is, first one minute you meet. They should all do that. I love rule breakers! Then surprise, Kacie B. my favorite from Ben’s season is back. Yay! So here’s my favorites list from first impressions only: Desiree, Tierra, Kacie B. And then after we see more during the reception I add Jackie, Kelly & Sarah.

Dumb question: Do these girls learn nothing watching this show? DO NOT get trashed on the first night. Drunk girls are not getting the rose. Kacie is always so sweet, “She just needs a lot of water.” And Ashley P. is proving to be the obnoxious character I predicted. It is never a good sign when a man has to threaten to use a rape whistle. The 50 Shades of Grey fanatic was definitely 50 Shades of Drunk, and no surprise, goes home (after a lovely stripper dance or two). So since I love when the Bachelor/Bachelorette changes the rules as they go, I did like that Sean handed out roses as he went throughout the night whenever he was ‘feeling it’. There were a couple of girls that got roses that I thought wouldn’t. Especially drunk wedding gown girl Lindsay who was obviously the producers pick. But the biggest shocker to me was that Kelly, who I thought Sean had instant attraction to, did not get a rose. WTH? What did we miss? And was it just my TV or did she have one blue eye and one brown eye? She was gorgeous! The song she sang him was not embarrassing or horrible, it was pretty cute. She had a great smile. What gives? I know I only “knew” her for one show, but I nominate her to be the next Bachelorette.

The season previews foreshadow that Tierra might be fake and is there a possible cat fight?  It is sure to be another season full of drama, tears and twists. Not sure our crap-o-meters can handle it again but we’ll give it our best try.

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