Bachelor S17 week 5: Double the Drama

Episode 5: part 1 started off Bachelor Sean’s worldwide journey. First stop: Gorgeous (but not exotic, these are the kinds of places I actually visit) Montana. I hate to break it to Sean, but this group of girls is way too fancy for camping & outdoorsy mountain stuff. When will outdoorsy men realize that beautiful high-maintenance women do not equate to shared hobbies. They fulfill your boob hobby, not your mountain man hobby. You want a girl that is going to bait her own hook and rock your world in a tent? Then pick the girl that wears hiking boots instead of high-heels and only wears makeup on special occasions.

 1st Date – Lindsay – “Let Love Soar” I am relieved to see that Lindsay is dressed appropriately for Montana: jeans, flannel shirt, boots. Any girl that sports stilettos & mini skirts during the day in this town should be dragged through the streets ankle tied to a horse. So here’s the deal with Lindsay: the first night when she showed up in a wedding dress I was like “NO WAY” then once she proceeded to get drunk and make a fool of herself I was like “Double No Way!”. But you know what… she is actually a strong possibility. They look really natural together, and Sean sure seems to like kissing her.

 Side note: It dawned on me that I don’t like wrist tattoos. No matter how frilly or sentimental it might be, they all look like gang tatts or prison ID’s to me. Same for the neck, but those are even worse. And I’m not against tattoos in general – just those locations.

 Group Date: “Eight Maids a Milking” The Montana group date was a relay race involving canoeing, log sawing, hay baling, and goat milking. Of course a real Montana date would involve a juicy steak and chugging beer rather than goat’s milk. So the losing team went back to the lodge while the winning team got the rest of the evening with Sean….erch! (that’s my put on the brakes sound) Or not, Sean called the other girls to come back out too as he just didn’t feel right cheating them out of the extra time together. Really? What it means to me is there was someone on the losing team that he wanted more time with and was super bummed when he didn’t get it so he changed the rule. The winning girls were understandably upset. And when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry! Ha, I like this little spitfire. Meanwhile Tierra (who is not part of the group date) continued to scheme & plot to steal her man by showing up uninvited. I really wanted her plan to backfire, for Sean to be turned off by her over-aggressive ways, but alas, as in most previous seasons our Bachelor has lost all common sense & good judgment. It must have something to do with the extended time period of excessive blood flow away from the brain to the penis — like standing on your head for four weeks. And OMG all I can think about after watching him kiss the 4th or 5th woman that night was COLD SORES! The girls might as well just cut out the middle man and kiss each other. Yuck. And so another seemingly traditional nice guy fell victim to the Bachelor curse. I’m sorry but apparently no man can be surrounded by 10-20 beautiful women that all want him and are fighting over him and it NOT go to his head. Their ego’s get so big, their personality changes, they forget what they originally wanted. (most prevalent cases: Bachelors Jake & Ben who we started off loving and would now probably kick in the balls if we saw them on the street.)

Another thought: does anyone else think Tierra’s story about the boyfriend who died is a complete bullshit story she made up on the way over there? When Emily Maynard had a sad love story they focused on it all season. This is the first we heard of Tierra’s lost love. She’s pulling out all the stops.

 I’m also super surprised that Daniella got the rose – but then again he has a history of giving it to the insecure one. I knew at this point that Robyn is going home. But I was sad that he sent Jackie home after the awkward 2-on-1 date. Jackie is beautiful and sweet. Tierra is a needy and manipulative drama queen.  “No, Sean, Tierra is not sweet, you naive doofus!!! You even said yourself that she was drama. You need to stop thinking with the little head and make your Momma proud.” Is one of many things I was yelling at the TV. Every man that even thinks about going on this show should be forced to watch footage from previous seasons of the maniacal one that everybody hates that will dump your ass after she’s won. The Vienna, Courtney & Tierra footage. Here’s a clue, if everyone hates them, there is probably a good reason, listen up and pay attention you fuck heads.

 Side note: Sarah’s eye makeup at the reception/rose ceremony was gorgeous!


 Episode 5: Part 2 — Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies

 First date was with Catherine (at last) where they played in the snow and I was making dinner so I really didn’t pay much attention to their conversation which seemed to be going well.

 The group date was the polar bear plunge into the glacier fed crystal blue lake – and probably the worst idea in Bachelor history – no wait, 2nd worst after the boxing fiasco that sent Ames to the doctor with a concussion (Ashley’s Season 7 of Bachelorette). Selma once again proved she’s the wisest girl there by refusing to go in the frigid waters. The other girls got their bikinis on (once again, why is this a requirement?) and ran into the barely above freezing water, had to get their heads wet, then ran back out strait for their robes. Except our favorite girl Tierra, who if you watch closely refuses the towel, shrugging people off as they try to wrap her for warmth. Gee, Tierra, I cannot imagine why you are so cold and spazzing out. Maybe she was hoping to use the “let’s get naked and snuggle for body heat” line. But the stupid B is carried off with hypothermia (as planned I’m sure). She was the only one. Really Sean, really? You want a lifetime of fake falls, fake illnesses, fake pregnancies and attention getting schemes? I can’t stand those soap opera kind of girls. Tierra seems even more pushy when she showed up for the group date even after Sean told her to stay in bed and recoup. Red flag warning #47 Sean: She will never do what you ask of her, she’ll always do her own thing to get her own way.

 The sad part of the night was when after Emily gets a little too real for Sean, he decided to let her go then instead of waiting for the rose ceremony. She showed him family and childhood photos (sharing a part of herself, hey you want to get to know me too right?) and it made him realize that she wanted a relationship with him whereas he was happy in friendzville. On one hand I respect the fact that he didn’t make her stress through the reception and rose ceremony, but on the other hand, it singled her out as like
“WOW, I knew you weren’t the one and had to get you the freck out of there.” Which would make a girl feel way worse than “I have to send two people home, uh, I guess it will be you and you.”

 Ok I have a great idea! Let’s have Sarah and Emily O’Brien, from Ben’s season, join together to have their own show. It could be reality or scripted either one, but would be those two as roommates trying to find love in the world, while building their careers and staying true to themselves and their morals. That’s a show I’d watch.

 Now that I see more of Sean with the different girls I think Lindsay, Catherine, Leslie and Des are best for him. I think Selma is too mature for him and Ashlee is too uptight for him. Now that he’s in it, he seems to want a playful adventurous girl more than the best wife type. Was not too surprised when he sent Daniella and Selma home. So, how are you feeling after this week’s two nights of episodes? I am irritated with Sean and with this show, as you can probably tell. Every season I’m like “why do I watch this shit?”, “If he picks her I’m boycotting this show”, and yet each season I tune in again. I am just as much a fool as the other millions of you BachelorNation fans. I guess it is the new soap opera of this generation.


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